Sunday, January 15, 2012

notes to myself

As I look and note that my annual winter-hybernation has been so noisy this year (and not very peaceful and loving), I stand and wonder why I'm finding myself in this state of intolerance, and with a closed mind.

Why would I criticize a person who is a little grumpy and irritable because this tag has been poking her and scratching her on the side all day, and she didn't realize it?  (She was busy doing other things, her discomfort didn't reach the front of her brain; she just didn't realize that it was causing a problem.)

Why do I question her right on another, happy day, to suggest a different fleece for her daughter when her daughter chose one with symbols of illness all over it... "The thing is, Madd, see these pink ribbons?  That's a symbol for breast cancer.  I have a problem with wrapping my child in thoughts such as those."  I mean--her little girl was perfectly happy to choose another cheery pink pattern for her blanket.  Why would I suggest unkindly that she (the mother) is weak and making too big a deal of something?  Why doesn't she have that right, or choice to not look at her sleeping, cuddling daughter and think "cancer", for heaven's sake?

Intolerance.   How long has this been going on, I wonder? 
(And it doesn't escape me that I'm being intolerant of my intolerance.  [rolls eyes at herself])

So what does it mean?  How did I get here?
Intolerance comes from dissatisfaction, I imagine.  Dissatisfaction comes from...
Could come from a couple of places.  Could mean having attachments.  Could also mean there is something that is not being taken care of.


So what the hell is wrong?

I began to dream (not literally, just fancying) of my yoga mat and a daily meditation.
And I began to suspect Balance.

I began inquiring.
(Being In Balance by Dr. Wayne Dyer)

"One of the huge imbalances in life is the disparity between your daily existence with its routines and habbits and the dream you have deep within yourself of some extraordinarily satisfying way of living."

Oh, wait... did he say satisfying?

"... This absence of balance between dreams and habits may be very subtle.  It doesn't necessarily reveal itself in the obvious symptoms of heartburn, depression, illness, or anxiety; it's more often something that feels more like an unwelcome companion by your side, which continually whispers to you that you're ignoring something.  There is some often unidentifiable task or experience that you sense is  part of your Beingness.  It may seem intangible, but you can feel the longing to be what you are intended to be.  Your sense that there is a higher agenda, your way of life, and your reason for life are out of balance.
Until you pay attention, this subtle visitor will continue to prod you to regain your equilibrium.

Ha!, I say.

"...When you live your life going through the motions, it may seem to be convenient, but the weight of your dissatisfaction creates a huge imbalance in the only life you have:  Now.
You're perplexed by the ever-present gnawing feeling of dissatisfaction that you can't seem to shake that pit of the stomach sensation of emptiness.  It shows up when you're sound asleep, and your dreams are filled with reminders of what you'd love to be, but you wake and return to pursuing your 'safe' routine.  
Your dreams are also demanding your attention  in waking life when you're petulant and argumentative with others, because in actuality you're so frustrated with yourself that you try to relieve the pressure by venting anger outward.  Imbalance masquerades as a sense of frustration with your current lifestyle.
If you allow yourself to think about this "fire from Heaven"*, you proceed to rationalize your status quo with explanations and mental meanderings that you know in your heart are excuses, because you don't think you have the tools to get in balance."

* "fire from Heaven" refers to an earlier quote by Earnest Holmes, "True imagination is not fanciful daydreaming; it is fire from Heaven."

"You may get to a point where you become increasingly hard on yourself, and begin seeking medication and other treatments for feelings of inadequacy.  And for what is called 'depression'. 
You'll surely witness yourself feeling more and more angry and moody with more frequent occurrences of minor afflictions such as colds, headaches, and insomnia.

 As time goes on in this state of imbalance, there's less enthusiasm for what has become the drudgery of life, work is now even more routine with even less purpose and drive.  
...You're easily agitated, picking on others for no apparent reason, if you're able to be honest with yourself, you recognize that your irritability stems from being out of balance with the bigger dream you've always had, but which is now, apparently, slipping away.
When these subtle symptoms surface, it is crucial to explore the kind of energy you're giving to the scale to create balance.  Or, in this case, imbalance.
The heavy angst is weighing down your reason for being.  But you are the only one who can rebalance the scale of your life."

Well.  That about covers it, I'd say.  :)

And I also gotta say... I'm much relieved.  This, I can do.

[Laughs and waves] Let's get on with it, then.


  1. Thanks so much for sharing this, Stephanie. When I live my day out of a place of seeking happiness and peace and doing those things which really call to my soul, I have an energy that can't be explained just be eating better or getting enough sleep. I'm seeking more and more of those days this year.

  2. Chris- thank you. So much.

    Yes, exactly.

    Winter is my usual time for getting intimate with these things (going within), but for some reason I just wasn't recognizing it as something imperative this year. :/
    :) Clearly, I was wrong!

    What you describe is exactly what's been missing from my experience, and its absence is what has been making itself known.

    :) Thank goodness.

  3. What a wonderful, thought-provoking post, Stephanie. It has resonated strongly with me, particularly "being out of balance with the bigger dream...which is now, apparently slipping away."
    I'd recognised this, and knew it was making me grumpy/unhappy, but now I see that it is much deeper than that.
    So now I see how I've tied myself up - I just have to find the knots to untie myself.
    You've managed to clear some of the fog from my mind, so thank you :-)

  4. Thank you for this. I feel this way sometimes too, and it's so helpful when other bloggers open up and are vulnerable about it sometimes.

    For me, writing every day, before the kids wake up, helps me feel like I am working towards my bigger dream....and keeps the grumps away. And while "the grumps" are nothing to be ashamed of, they do affect my everyday performance with my ability to "shine" towards them, as you put it!

    I think that this is an issue that affects many, many adults and that so many people are walking through life without even realizing it. It's awesome that you can figure out what you need and that you're teaching your kids to take care of themselves the same way. Seems like so many people feel occasional dissatisfactions that end up having larger ramifications over time, because they project them outwards instead of having the tools to deal with them inwardly.

    Sorry that was long, and you don't even know me. This struck a chord, I guess. I'm a daily reader of your blog. :) Take care of yourself!

  5. reason for being....yes....I've had wonderings in this area. What is the purpose of what we do?

    I have relatives who really don't understand why we live way we do, and it's only natural that after spending some time with these relatives I come away thinking "have I got this right? Have they got a vaild point?" And it sets me down a sad little path for a while.

    A bit of thinking time, and a bit of Charlie and Lola (great therapy for me :) and we get back on track....hope you are too (and thanks for sharing.) xoxo

  6. Sam - you're certainly welcome! :)

    Andria - If my head could be summed up in two words, it would be "I understand", :), so no one ever has to apologize to me for being long-winded, or making their way through something! :) Certainly it's what makes me tick. Tearing things apart is how I operate.

    Certainly we're made up three parts, mind, body, and spirit (or even some sort of 'life energy', for those that don't believe in God or an afterlife), and all three need to be tended to. I've let one go for a while, and it's one that's used to being regarded and stretched regularly, so is demanding attention.
    YOu're right - some people regularly ignore their spiritual needs (often especially when they're religious, as they figure they 'have it covered'), but certainly we're more fulfilled, I'd say, if we're paying attention and living the grandest version of the grandest vision we have for ourselves. :)

    Kelly - mmhmm, thank goodness that I'm never off track long enough to get seriously lost and not know what it is that I need, but yes... many, many people I think go through their lives and not know what is their Purpose.
    Being called on the carpet is difficult sometimes, but it's certainly better than arriving at the ultimate end and thinking, "Wait... what? How did I get here?" or wondering if their whole life was wrong.

    Thanks for the thoughts and comments, everyone! I love sharing and hashing things out with you.

  7. ringing some bells here too...confusing when "well enough" just isn't - though the sparkle and wellness is still apparently about. thanks for sharing it all out loud...obviously it's resonating with more than a few of us!

  8. Wonderful to read this, very poignant for me at the moment, I have much unbalance in my life. I'm trying to address it and can't find a method that 'works'. It helps somewhat to read this amoung other things. Good luck with finding more balance in your life too. blessings x

  9. Thank you for sharing your personal inner work. I know those were for you, but I doubt you realize how much those shared words just spoke to this frazzled mama.


Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!