As I look and note that my annual winter-hybernation has been so noisy this year (and not very peaceful and loving), I stand and wonder why I'm finding myself in this state of intolerance, and with a closed mind.
Why would I criticize a person who is a little grumpy and irritable because this tag has been poking her and scratching her on the side all day, and she didn't realize it? (She was busy doing other things, her discomfort didn't reach the front of her brain; she just didn't realize that it was causing a problem.)
Why do I question her right on another, happy day, to suggest a different fleece for her daughter when her daughter chose one with symbols of illness all over it... "The thing is, Madd, see these pink ribbons? That's a symbol for breast cancer. I have a problem with wrapping my child in thoughts such as those." I mean--her little girl was perfectly happy to choose another cheery pink pattern for her blanket. Why would I suggest unkindly that she (the mother) is weak and making too big a deal of something? Why doesn't she have that right, or choice to not look at her sleeping, cuddling daughter and think "cancer", for heaven's sake?
Intolerance. How long has this been going on, I wonder?
(And it doesn't escape me that I'm being intolerant of my intolerance. [rolls eyes at herself])
So what does it mean? How did I get here?
Intolerance comes from dissatisfaction, I imagine. Dissatisfaction comes from...
Could come from a couple of places. Could mean having attachments. Could also mean there is something that is not being taken care of.
So what the hell is wrong?
I began to dream (not literally, just fancying) of my yoga mat and a daily meditation.
And I began to suspect Balance.
I began inquiring.
(Being In Balance by Dr. Wayne Dyer)
"One of the huge imbalances in life is the disparity between your daily existence with its routines and habbits and the dream you have deep within yourself of some extraordinarily satisfying way of living."
Oh, wait... did he say satisfying?
"... This absence of balance between dreams and habits may be very subtle. It doesn't necessarily reveal itself in the obvious symptoms of heartburn, depression, illness, or anxiety; it's more often something that feels more like an unwelcome companion by your side, which continually whispers to you that you're ignoring something. There is some often unidentifiable task or experience that you sense is part of your Beingness. It may seem intangible, but you can feel the longing to be what you are intended to be. Your sense that there is a higher agenda, your way of life, and your reason for life are out of balance.
Until you pay attention, this subtle visitor will continue to prod you to regain your equilibrium.
Ha!, I say.
"...When you live your life going through the motions, it may seem to be convenient, but the weight of your dissatisfaction creates a huge imbalance in the only life you have: Now.
You're perplexed by the ever-present gnawing feeling of dissatisfaction that you can't seem to shake that pit of the stomach sensation of emptiness. It shows up when you're sound asleep, and your dreams are filled with reminders of what you'd love to be, but you wake and return to pursuing your 'safe' routine.
Your dreams are also demanding your attention in waking life when you're petulant and argumentative with others, because in actuality you're so frustrated with yourself that you try to relieve the pressure by venting anger outward. Imbalance masquerades as a sense of frustration with your current lifestyle.
If you allow yourself to think about this "fire from Heaven"*, you proceed to rationalize your status quo with explanations and mental meanderings that you know in your heart are excuses, because you don't think you have the tools to get in balance."
* "fire from Heaven" refers to an earlier quote by Earnest Holmes, "True imagination is not fanciful daydreaming; it is fire from Heaven."
"You may get to a point where you become increasingly hard on yourself, and begin seeking medication and other treatments for feelings of inadequacy. And for what is called 'depression'.
You'll surely witness yourself feeling more and more angry and moody with more frequent occurrences of minor afflictions such as colds, headaches, and insomnia.
As time goes on in this state of imbalance, there's less enthusiasm for what has become the drudgery of life, work is now even more routine with even less purpose and drive.
...You're easily agitated, picking on others for no apparent reason, if you're able to be honest with yourself, you recognize that your irritability stems from being out of balance with the bigger dream you've always had, but which is now, apparently, slipping away.
When these subtle symptoms surface, it is crucial to explore the kind of energy you're giving to the scale to create balance. Or, in this case, imbalance.
The heavy angst is weighing down your reason for being. But you are the only one who can rebalance the scale of your life."
Well. That about covers it, I'd say. :)
And I also gotta say... I'm much relieved. This, I can do.
[Laughs and waves] Let's get on with it, then.