Saturday, January 14, 2012


Yesterday was one of those, "Hey, I know what will be fun!  Let's catalog all the things that are wrong with you!" days.
Yup, an' it was fun, let me tell you.

I couldn't write about it for a couple of reasons.  One was that I was concerned that I would seem to be whining an old and tired self-loathing song - when really I wasn't whining at all - what I had in me was no more than a whimper.
Secondly, I knew that I had to get past it before I could write about it-- I had to be able to speak of it objectively (matter-of-factly), and there would be no more condemnations.

It's very, very strange to me that I woke in the middle of the night, and it was just Gone.
Which seems kind of like magic, but clearly what needed to be done was that I had to change my mind.

Mine is the kind of head that takes things from a very slight suggestion or innuendo all the way to the fatal end  - ending with the world blowing up.   (Which was one of the catalogued items, 'sensitive' was turned into "emotionally weak and unstable".)  And this happens very, very quickly.
To be fair to me, it should be noted that I'm not a whiny and pessimistic person at all (at least, I don't think so), and I'm not clingy and insecure by nature.
But that aside, I tend to think that everyone else has it totally together, and I am the only person that has these issues, and it is because I just don't have what it takes.
I don't have what it takes to be a sweet and gentle mother, I don't have what it takes to be a good helpmeet, I don't have the brains, the strength, the will, or the fortitude to conduct myself according to what I know to be right and True.  (Hmm... maybe 'true' isn't the right word, as I certainly conduct myself according to my True, :), which is part of the problem!)

You see how the cataloguing went, yesterday.

Oddly enough, these things didn't even start because I was upset with myself about anything I had really even done... they just started rolling in when I had the thought of "why am I letting myself worry, when I know it's alright?"
Evidently that opened the door for more "you can't do anything right!" thoughts, for soon here they all came, tossing confetti, shouting, and lining up to join the parade!

Now before you go and give up on me, know that I am not completely hopeless. 
I have lived this life for forty-three years, and I have learned a few things.  I have also contemplated my life and my Truth well enough that I at least still believe that Self Mastery is a possibility.  (I think it would be easier if I were a monk, and had years to meditate in solitude on a mountaintop, but I'm not and I don't, so I'm taking the more scenic road, evidently.)

I knew enough to know that it would pass.
I knew that it was just a funk.  (A pretty intense one, but a funk, none-the-less.)
As much as it seemed that this was a personal problem, and only applicable to me, and from my own ineptitude, I knew enough to at least suspect that these thoughts were things that other 'normal' people had or could relate to.

I also knew that there are a couple of universal laws that could be applied here: one is that what you think about is what grows (ha!), and two; the best way to get something in your life is to give it away.

So that's a good place to start.

What can I give?
A new catalog, here.
Do I have love to give?
Do I have kindness to give?
Can I offer peace?
Do I have joy in me to give away?


This morning doesn't find me in a blissful Zen state, and I am not completely over "Gah!  Why are you so affected by everything!  Don't you have any strength?!?", but I am choosing to tell that one to take a flying leap through a rolling doughnut.  For today, at least.

For today, I am taking care to focus my thoughts on what I am doing right... and I plan to, with more conviction, just change my mind.


  1. A change of mind is a powerful endeavor, but oh such a worthy one. I agree that there is so much you are doing right.

  2. Proud Mama - sure. We're all doing lots of things right! Just hard to remember that, and temper those other noisier, meaner voices when they're all shouting to be heard over each other! :/


  3. And by 'right', I mean according to our own spirit, not some universal, dogmatic, "there is only one way to be Right" thing.

  4. Thanks for the post! I try to give the kind sentinements more influence, but it can be challenging! Good wishes for a good day today :)

  5. I've had a wobble of late...and it sucks.

    Knowing you have the power to choose, to refocus your thoughts is powerful and comforting.

  6. Kelly - absolutely. I tell my dh that all the time. :)

    I wasn't crying over it, and I had only very brief flashes -one or two- of "god help me"... just because I didn't think I could stand a much longer list... :)... but for the most part, I was kind of riding it out, wondering where it was going to take me. Which is a sort of weird thing to say as I wasn't indulging in drama, and I'm no masochist or martyr... but I was willing to ride it out to get to the place of freedom at the end of it. Even though it was a matter of "dwelling", and self-inflicted. :/

    Today it's a much different deal, and I'm at the moment I'm scrubbing and listening to cheerful showtunes... and have visions of going over our home with a fine-tooth comb in the name of Cleansing.

    Which occurs to me is a natural process for me, and January seems to be a common time for me to have such tendencies and desires. :)
    So maybe yesterday's ick was something that needed to be noted so that the accumulated Ick can be gotten rid of and booted out. :) That's my current theory, anyway.

  7. Sending (((((positive vibes)))) your way Moma :).

    Be gentle on yourself and take a good look at your beautiful kiddos and how happy and healthy they are. That does not happen automatically :).

  8. So what are you telling me? You are NOT the perfect mama I had you pegged as? Shame on you! LMAO! Glad to finally see you are normal (well, as normal as I see myself anyway, apparently I am weird.)

    We all have shitty days, and thoughts and well.... you know. But to admit it to ourselves and to others and to get on with it? That takes something special. You are awesome lovely! Don't forget to be kind to yourself occasionally.

    Much love and hugs xoxox


Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!