Yesterday was one of those, "Hey, I know what will be fun! Let's catalog all the things that are wrong with you!" days.
Yup, an' it was fun, let me tell you.
I couldn't write about it for a couple of reasons. One was that I was concerned that I would seem to be whining an old and tired self-loathing song - when really I wasn't whining at all - what I had in me was no more than a whimper.
Secondly, I knew that I had to get past it before I could write about it-- I had to be able to speak of it objectively (matter-of-factly), and there would be no more condemnations.
It's very, very strange to me that I woke in the middle of the night, and it was just Gone.
Which seems kind of like magic, but clearly what needed to be done was that I had to change my mind.
Mine is the kind of head that takes things from a very slight suggestion or innuendo all the way to the fatal end - ending with the world blowing up. (Which was one of the catalogued items, 'sensitive' was turned into "emotionally weak and unstable".) And this happens very, very quickly.
To be fair to me, it should be noted that I'm not a whiny and pessimistic person at all (at least, I don't think so), and I'm not clingy and insecure by nature.
But that aside, I tend to think that everyone else has it totally together, and I am the only person that has these issues, and it is because I just don't have what it takes.
I don't have what it takes to be a sweet and gentle mother, I don't have what it takes to be a good helpmeet, I don't have the brains, the strength, the will, or the fortitude to conduct myself according to what I know to be right and True. (Hmm... maybe 'true' isn't the right word, as I certainly conduct myself according to my True, :), which is part of the problem!)
You see how the cataloguing went, yesterday.
Oddly enough, these things didn't even start because I was upset with myself about anything I had really even done... they just started rolling in when I had the thought of "why am I letting myself worry, when I know it's alright?"
Evidently that opened the door for more "you can't do anything right!" thoughts, for soon here they all came, tossing confetti, shouting, and lining up to join the parade!
Now before you go and give up on me, know that I am not completely hopeless.
I have lived this life for forty-three years, and I have learned a few things. I have also contemplated my life and my Truth well enough that I at least still believe that Self Mastery is a possibility. (I think it would be easier if I were a monk, and had years to meditate in solitude on a mountaintop, but I'm not and I don't, so I'm taking the more scenic road, evidently.)
I knew enough to know that it would pass.
I knew that it was just a funk. (A pretty intense one, but a funk, none-the-less.)
As much as it seemed that this was a personal problem, and only applicable to me, and from my own ineptitude, I knew enough to at least suspect that these thoughts were things that other 'normal' people had or could relate to.
I also knew that there are a couple of universal laws that could be applied here: one is that what you think about is what grows (ha!), and two; the best way to get something in your life is to give it away.
So that's a good place to start.
What can I give?
A new catalog, here.
Do I have love to give?
Do I have kindness to give?
Can I offer peace?
Do I have joy in me to give away?
This morning doesn't find me in a blissful Zen state, and I am not completely over "Gah! Why are you so affected by everything! Don't you have any strength?!?", but I am choosing to tell that one to take a flying leap through a rolling doughnut. For today, at least.
For today, I am taking care to focus my thoughts on what I am doing right... and I plan to, with more conviction, just change my mind.